Bleeding Before You
by Blue Ducky
Summary: Remus loves Sirius more than anything. Sirius loves Remus with every ounce of his being. Can they finally confess their love for each other? Can Sirius stop playing foolish games before he tears Remus apart? SBRL. COMPLETE.
1. Chapter I

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Bleeding Before You

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A Remus/Sirius Fan Fiction

Chapter I

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, I'm just borrowing the characters for a little while. I intend no copyright infringement. Song lyrics you find might find anywhere in this fic, are the property of Jewel, and I am just using them for the purpose of this fic. The songs, and the creative genius behind them are Jewel's. Again, no copyright infringement is intended.

A/N: This is a slash fic, if you don't like the idea of a male/male relationship this probably isn't the story for you. I appreciate constructive criticism , but flames are unnecessary. The writing style of this story may seem a little odd, but things should all play out in the end. This will be a multi-chapter fan fiction , and parts of it will be based on a few songs from Jewel's Pieces of You Album. The fic will switch in and out of Sirius, and Remus point of view. Lyrics are italicised.

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Remus' P.O.V:

Even before the time when I understood love, when I understood how to lose myself completely and entirely to someone, long before any of that, I loved Sirius Black. I loved the way his ebony hair fell across his face, the way his fathomless coal eyes delved their way into the very depths of the most secret fragments of my soul. I loved the way he laughed , the way his lips gently curved into a smile, letting his laughter dance with mirth. I loved the way his languid voice flowed through the air like the soothing sound of a stream. I loved the mischievous look his eyes took on when he was thinking up his next devilish prank with James. I loved the way his emotions were all or nothing. He loved with every ounce of his spirit, and hated with the passion and ferocity of a violent thunderstorm. I loved the way he yelled, the way he pouted when he was sad. The way he was always in detention. I loved everything, even the flaws. I could never hate him. I could never hate him for not loving me back.

I was only eleven when I met him. I didn't fully understand the concept of romantic love. I had read about it in books, seen it displayed in Muggle movies, but I had never felt it. But I was still able to love Sirius. I didn't know it then, but I loved him from the very second I saw his face. I loved him even before I knew how to love him.

I had always managed to keep this endless love to myself. I adored him from afar. I never let him know that every time I touched him, or his hand brushed my own flesh, the adoration and love I held for him trembled with it's burning desire to show itself. I had always kept my secret heart in chains. I was good at concealing things. I had to be, I was a werewolf and my life depended upon it.

But one night, I slipped. I let the chains break into a million pieces.

It had been a beautiful night, in it's own way. A gentle wind lilted through trees, and a soothing rain poured, warm and caressing. In the common room, were I was sitting, the rain tapped against the window in a constant rhythm. It was the rain that first made me realize that Sirius had left the common room quite a while ago, and had still not returned. 'Going for a walk,' he had mumbled before he left. It hadn't registered then that it had been raining. Now it tugged at my brain. Why had Sirius gone out into the wind and rain? My curiosity lead me out of the common room, and down towards the entrance.

I wrapped my cloak tighter around my body, and step out into the night. The warm breeze flew around me, and the rain instantly soaked everything. But it didn't feel like it should have felt, I wasn't annoyed with the weather. Instead I found it comforting. The rain reflected my own swirling emotions, the inner storm that raged within my heart. I had always appeared so calm, and collected to everyone on the outside. And that was partially true. I was logical, I possessed enormous amounts of common sense and I rationalized everything. That all disappeared when it came to Sirius.

As I walked further across the grounds, I noticed a figure down by the lake. I knew by the way he leaned on the large oak tree he was standing by, that it was Sirius. He had this way of always being so casually unemotional, in a such a caring and emotional way. He feigned lack of interest, but everyone who truly knew Sirius for who he really was, knew that he cared with every ounce of his soul. We knew that his emotions were stronger, more powerful, than any of ours.

As I neared him, I could make out the expression of his face. It was not the casual façade I was expecting. His face was tormented with emotion. 'Sirius, what's wrong?' I knew he wouldn't tell me. That just wasn't the way he was. I would have to figure things on my own, and confront him. Then he would expose his emotions to me, only then would he let me in.

He looked up, meeting my concerned eyes, with his own. The black depths were clouded with pain, but underneath there was something else. Some other emotion I couldn't place. Longing? No, that was ridiculous. Sirius didn't love me, not like that. Not the way I loved him.

'Remus.' His voice was hoarse, barely even a whisper, and filled with need. Then his hands brushed the skin of my face. The rough skin of his warm, wet palms on my face sent shivers sailing down my spine. His face was inches away from my own now, his breath soft on my face. It was tentative, cautious, our lips only short distance apart. Then in one magic second, his own lips found my own. Carefully, they touched, both of us expecting the other to pull away. Seconds seemed to turn to hours. Part of me wanted to believe this, and another part thought it must be a joke. Sirius pulled his face away. His eyes were filled with tears, and his bottom lip quivered. I wanted to tell him how I felt, but I froze. I couldn't say I love you, I was too afraid of having my heart broken. So the seconds ticked by, and I missed my chance. 'I'm sorry,' he said, and then he turned and ran away into the night.

Part of me was filled with sorrow, and the other with exuberant joy. I was filled with the hope that maybe Sirius felt the same way. Maybe my love would not go unrequited.

The next morning I found him in the astronomy tower, watching the sun rise. He spoke before I could even say a word. 'I didn't mean for that to happen last night. It was silly really, completely absurd. I hope we can forget it ever happened. I can…I can assure I have no feelings for you in that way at all. I'm sorry for disturbing you, and I hope we can just be friends again. And not mention this to anyone else.'

At that second all my hope was shattered, washed away to nothing but despair. 'But…but I thought…'

'You thought wrong.'

It had all been a game. Just a foolish game to tear me to pieces. I should have hated him. I should have wanted him to die, to suffer the way I was suffering. But I didn't. I still loved him. His words had tore me to bits. I had set my bleeding heart before him, and he had disregarded it, thrown it away like unwanted rubbish. But I still loved him.

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These Foolish Games are tearing me apart

Your thoughtless words are breaking my heart

Your breaking my heart

A/N: Thanks for reading the first chapter of my fic! I love feedback and would appreciate your opinions and comments. The next chapter should be primarily from Sirius' point of view.


	2. Chapter II

Chapter II

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Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, I'm just borrowing the characters for a little while. I intend no copyright infringement. The song Foolish Games belongs to Jewel, again no copyright infringement is intended, I'm just borrowing her beautiful song.

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A/N: I know that the song Foolish Games didn't exist in the 80's, I'm just making a dramatic convention here, so please be nice! I hope you enjoy!

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Sirius' P.O.V:

It hurt me, to say those things I said to Remus this morning. I hated myself for it. I hated the way his face showed the way his heart was breaking. I love Remus. It may not seem like it, but I love him with everything that is good in me. I should have told him. I should have walked up to him and kissed him, like I did last night. I should have thrown my heart out before him. But I was scared he would disregard it. I was scared he didn't love me the way I loved him. He had my heart in his teeth and he didn't even realize it. I couldn't tell him. It would have made me vulnerable.

I hate being vulnerable. My whole life I've built a wall around myself. I don't let people in so they can't hurt me. I'm like a puppy who's been kicked down to many times. Eventually, that puppy gets older, and then it knows to shy away when a foot comes towards it. So on the outside, I seem cold, uncaring. On the inside, all I feel is emotion, powerful, and writhing beneath the surface, desperate to escape. I can't afford to slip, I can't afford to show too much emotion, that would make me seem human, breakable, and fragile. Remus always makes me vulnerable. He could snap me into trillions of pieces with a single look.

Remus was always nothing like me. He was calm, and rational. His kind and gentle manner exuded warmth and beauty. And he was beautiful. He may not be able to see it but he was. Golden curls gently fell just below his ears, and his amber eyes sparkled like precious jewels. Remus had always hated his body. His chest was covered in scars from the years of transformations, each one reminding him of his curse. But I loved them, I loved everyone of them. They were part of him, they told stories of his courage and strength. I loved everything about him.

I need to tell him. He needs to know. I want to find him, apologize to him, tell him I loved him. I want to touch his face, feel his skin underneath my fingers. I want to feel his lips on mine, his breath warm against my skin. I want to hold him in my hands, and tell him that he is everything to me, that I can't live without him. I don't ever want to let him go. But I can't, I don't know how to tell him. If there was any chance of him ever loving me back it was gone now. I had wounded him this morning. I spoke careless words, in a blinded panic. What I said can't be undone.

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Remus P.O.V:

I left the Astronomy Tower in a daze. Everything was blurry, I couldn't think. Everything seemed to go numb. I managed to stumble back to Gryffindor Tower, and up to my dorm. I picked up my guitar and sat down on the bed. I would often play my guitar and Sirius would sing along, his deep voice putting chills through by body as I clumsily strummed along.

As my pick hit the strings memories flooded back. Memories of Sirius, the way I loved him, and how he would never love me back the same way. Chords began to flow from guitar and a song slowly began to form inside my head, the words letting out all the emotion I had felt in the last twenty-four hours. The gentle sound of the guitar washed away the pain in my heart. I couldn't seem to be able to tell Sirius how I felt but somehow I was going to tell the world. I was going to tell all of Hogwarts. I was going to do something completely irrational, illogical and crazy.

Hours later I found myself in the main entrance of the castle, looking at a long piece of paper pinned to the wall. I scrawled my name on it, and wrote guitar/sing beside it, then let out the breath I hadn't realized I'd been holding. For the first time in my life, I signed up for a talent show.

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Sirius' P.O.V:

Weeks had passed now. Remus acted like nothing had happened, like there had been no kiss, no...nothing. _That's because you broke his heart you dolt. _I hadn't been able to tell him, no matter how many time times I tried. I wanted to tell him so badly. I wanted to shout, and yell, and tell the world that I loved him. I wanted to say it so many times that he would never question my love for him. I wanted to confess my heart, tell him what I said before was a lie, but instead I played foolish games. I said nothing. And the wounds grew deeper every day.

I tried not to think about it, James noticed whenever I did. I would become moody and irritable.

At least tonight Hogwarts was having a talent show. That would take my mind of things for a while, even though it would just be a bunch of people pretending to have wonderful talents.

In the evening, we tried to find Remus before going down to the great hall for the show, but he was nowhere to be found. He had disappeared. James suggested that maybe he had gone down early. That wasn't like Remus, he usually waited for us. But come to think of it he hadn't been around for hours now.

So we ended up going down without him, hoping to find him there. But he wasn't anywhere in the great hall. In fact we couldn't find him anywhere at all. The talent show started, and he still hadn't shown. Three performances passed by, still no Remus. People played piano, sung (or attempted too), two Hufflepuff ballerinas crashed into each other in the middle of their performance, and a first year Slytherin played wine glasses, but still no Remus. Then it was announced that there was only one performance left. Remus was no where to be found.

Then, all of a sudden, slowly and tentatively Remus walked out on stage holding his acoustic guitar. The room got very quiet, very fast. Remus didn't do talent shows. Remus read, and hung out in the library. Remus barely spoke, let alone sing. I knew he played guitar, but he had never sung. He walked over to a stool on the left of the stage and sat down, not saying a word. He looked up and found my eyes, his amber ones burning into my soul. He began to strum his guitar, the notes lilting through the air. It was beautiful. What came next was more than beautiful…it was something far deeper.

His voice rang out soft and golden, flowing through the air like silk, every word directed at me.

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You took your coat off and stood in the rain

You were always crazy like that

I watched from my window,

Always felt I was on the outside looking in on you.

You were always the mysterious one

With dark eyes, and careless hair.

You were fashionably sensitive, but too cool to care

Then you stood in my doorway, with nothing to say

Besides some comment on the weather

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Well in case you failed to notice,

In case you failed to see,

This is my heart bleeding before you,

This is me down on my knees.

Every word crushed my heart a little more. Remus had loved me, and I had turned him away. I played games with his heart. Remus looked up at me, his eyes sparkling with tears.

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These foolish games are tearing me apart

Your thoughtless words are breaking my heart

Your breaking my heart.

His words were almost desperate, laced with underlying anger. This was his last resort, his last way to reach me. To try to win my love. If only he knew he already had it, he'd always had it.

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You were always brilliant in the morning

Smoking your cigarettes, talking over coffee

Your philosophies on art, Baroque moved you,

You loved Mozart, and you'd speak of your loved ones

As I clumsily strummed my guitar.

You'd teach me of honest things

Things that were daring, things that were clean

Things that knew what an honest dollar did mean

So I hid my soiled hands behind my back

Somewhere along the line, I must have gone off track with you.

Excuse me, think I've mistaken you for somebody else,

Somebody who gave a damn,

Somebody more like myself.

I had been cruel. I had hurt the one I loved so dear. But now I knew he loved me. There was no doubt in my mind. Nobody else knew, but I knew thing song was directed at me.

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These foolish games are tearing me apart

Your thoughtless words are breaking my heart

Your breaking my heart.

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You took your coat off and stood in the rain

You were always like that.

The guitar lilted out the last chords, and as the song stopped, so did my heart. Tears coursed down my cheeks, all my control was gone. These emotions were too much to hide.

At first the room was dead silent. Everyone was in shock. Then everyone erupted in applause. Remus didn't seem to care. He quietly went off stage. After the clapping died down, students began to exit the Great Hall, a little amazed at what had just happened. Suddenly I saw Remus, a few meters ahead of me. I pushed my way through the crowds. I was desperate. I had to tell him, he needed to know I loved him, he deserved the truth. I couldn't live without him any longer.

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A/N: Okay! There's chappie two! Please leave me a review and let me know what you think! There's a couple more chapters to go before I wrap this all up. Thanks for reading!


	3. Chapter III

Chapter III

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, I'm just borrowing the characters for a little while. I intend no copyright infringement. The song Near You Always belongs to Jewel, again no copyright infringement is intended, I'm just borrowing her beautiful song. The line 'There are no happy endings because nothing ever ends' is from the Last Unicorn, and I'm just borrowing that too.

A/N: Again, I realize that the song Near You Always did not exist in the 80's and that Sirius did not write it. Also I would like to thank everyone who reviewed my story so far! Thanks for the encouragement!

Remus' P.O.V:

Things didn't seem real. The crowds of students that were in the hallways seemed like echoes, bouncing off a mountain, unreal and distorted. The world seemed numb, like I was watching from afar. The only thing I could feel was my broken heart. The shattered pieces prayed that Sirius would accept me, that he would love me. All rationalization was gone now. The calm, logical side was gone. Left behind in it's wake was a writhing sea of emotion, my heart like a boat, violently tossed by the waves. I prayed that Sirius wouldn't sink that boat.

I think a few students came up to me to tell me something about the talent show, but I can't pinpoint it, it was like it didn't happen. I hadn't been singing for them. I had only been for Sirius. He was the only one I saw, the only thing that mattered right now. The rest of the world could tear me to pieces with it's cruel jaws, as long as Sirius was there to pick up the pieces of me, I would be okay.

I could hear someone calling my name, but I didn't know who. I could hear their voice, faint and hazy, like a voice rolling through fog. Everything was like a dream. Then there was a hand on my shoulder, gently turning me around. As I looked into the face the clouds that had entangled my senses seemed to fleet away, evaporated by this person's warmth.

Sirius stood before me, hands slipping down into mine, his face close to mine. His eyelashes were damp with tears, and more coursed down his face. Then in the middle of the hallway, in front of half the population of Hogwarts, he leaned down and kissed me. It was different from the last one. It was still filled with need, but there was a boldness in it too. His lips parted mine, and his tongue was soft and warm against my own. One hand tangled itself into my hair and the other encircled my waist. The students in the hall had stopped dead, and there was a silence that pierced the air. But none of that mattered, after Sirius, the world ceased to exist. None of it mattered, Sirius was my world.

His lips pulled away from mine, and he looked into my eyes, searching them. Then very softly he began to sing. His deep voice filling the air around me with warmth and radiance.

Please don't say I love you,

Those words touch me much too deeply

And they make my core tremble.

Don't think you realize the effect you have over me

His voice had started off soft, barely audible, only perceptible to my ears. Then he got louder, his rich voice filling the hallway with it's sincerity and tenderness.

And please don't come so close

It just makes me want to make you near me always

My heart was singing with ecstasy. He had loved me, all along he had loved me. Since the moment I had met him, this was what I had craved more than anything. Even more than acceptance. The whole world could hate me, they could ridicule me, cover me with their derision and deny me justice, it didn't matter anymore. I had Sirius, I had his love. In his heart, I was safe.

Please don't kiss me so sweet

It makes me crave a thousand kisses to follow

And please don't touch me like that

Makes every other embrace seem pale and shallow.

Please don't look and me like that

It just makes me want to make you near me always.

Please don't send me flowers

They only whisper the sweet things you'd say

Don't try to understand me

Your hands already know too much anyway

It just makes me want to make you near me always

He leaned down and placed a kiss on my lips before continuing, his lips soft and velvety against my own. My whole body trembled, my soul quivering with bliss. Then his silky voice sung to me again with the grace and skill of a thousand exalting angels.

And when you look in my eyes

Please know my heart is in your hands

It's nothing that I understand, but when in your arms

You have complete power over me

So be gentle if you please, cause

Your hands are in my hair, but my heart is in you teeth

And it makes me want to be near you always

I want to be near you always

I want to be near you always

His voice faded to a whisper, and his hands drew me against him. His lips kissed my face, my forehead, my nose, my cheeks, my jaw, and then my own lips. His fingers caressed my collar bone as he whispered in my ear. 'I'm sorry, Remus. Oh God, I'm sorry. I love you. I love you so much.'

'I love you too.'

The people who stood around us said nothing. There was a silence made of awe and disbelief. James stood with his jaw open, and Lily had a huge smile across her face. Then slowly, James began to clap, then Lily, then Peter, and soon everyone was clapping. It was like the scenes in muggle movies, where somebody starts the slow-clap. It was like being in an old black and white movie, the kind that always had happy endings. This was our happy ending. But there are no happy endings, because nothing ever ends, just like our love for each other would never end.

Later that night we were walking down by the lake A mild breeze blowing around us, but this time there was no rain. There was no storm. No storm outside, and no storm on the inside either. Everything was calm and peaceful. Sirius' hand was in my own. We didn't talk, we didn't need to. We just knew each other. We just loved each other. It was simple now.

We stopped by the large oak where we had shared our first kiss. Sirius leaned down and kissed me again, but this time it was filled with fire and passion….and love.

Sirius P.O.V:

This morning the sun shone through the window, gleaming and sparkling. It's light catching on Remus' golden curls. His skin was coloured gold from the sunlight. The Sun sang it's exaltation to his beauty. And for the first time in my life, I was waking up beside an angel.

A/N: I'm sorry this is so short, but I felt if I made it longer it wouldn't be as meaningful. It just felt right to end it here. The next chapter I post will be the epilogue, and it will also be set to a Jewel song. Thanks for reading, and please leave me a review.


	4. Chapter IV

Chapter IV

Epilogue

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, I'm just borrowing the characters for a little while. I intend no copyright infringement. The song Morning Song belongs to Jewel, again no copyright infringement is intended, I'm just borrowing her beautiful song.

A/N: Again, I realize that the song Morning Song did not exist in the 80's and that Remus did not write it. This will be the last chapter of my fic. I hope you enjoyed my story, and please leave me a review when your finished reading. Thanks!

Sirius' P.O.V:

The shrill sound of my alarm clock rang through the air, breaking the early morning silence. I had to get up, and somehow find a way to claw myself through another day of work before the weekend. It seemed almost impossible. The blankets were too warm, the hour too early, the bed too snug, and the man in my arms too beautiful to leave. I could have stayed here forever, under the warm quilts, watching Remus sleep.

Remus is always beautiful when he's asleep. His face looks innocent and peaceful, and his slight frame presses gracefully against my own. His golden hair falls all around his face, and in the morning it has the habit of sticking up in every direction, which of course only serves to make him even more gorgeous.

As I reach over to turn the alarm off, Remus stirs in my arms, his eyes reluctantly opening. 'It's too early to get up,' he grumbles and shifts his weight. He's always like this in the mornings. We've been together for three years now, living together for two, and he's like this every morning. The alarm goes, he grumbles, puts the pillow over his head, and grumbles some more. 'Do you have to go to work today? Just tell your boss your sick. It's too warm under the covers to get out.'

'Yes I do, Remus.' I kiss his forehead, and roll out of bed. The air is cold and chilly, and outside rain pours down persistently upon the streets out side our London flat. It wasn't going to be a good day if I went to work, there was just that feel in the air. I left the room, and headed for the bathroom to take a shower.

As I was brushing my teeth, I could hear Remus walking about the flat with his usual morning spunk. I knew exactly what he would do…first he would walk to the kitchen and put on tea, then he would shuffle his way into the living room and lay on the couch for at least ten more minutes before doing anything else. But this time, he shuffled his way to the fireplace first. He was going to Floo my boss and tell him I was sick. Part of me was a little irritated by this, but the rest of me was relieved. I didn't want to go to work today, I wanted to spend the day with Remus, do everything but anything at all.

'Oh yeah, his throat is really sore, and his head is aching. Nose is running. Not fit at all to come too work.' Remus went on and on about my 'poor' condition to my boss. He must have got the, 'Tell him to get some rest, and get well then,' line because he walked away from the fire place and towards the bathroom. He leaned against the doorway with an absolutely devilish grin plastered across his face.

I took the toothbrush out of my mouth. 'Whatever happened to that straight laced schoolboy I used to know?'

'He met you.' A small laugh escaped my lips, as Remus leaned in and kissed my jaw line.

'At least let me rinse my mouth out. I just finished brushing my teeth,' I chuckled. Remus smiled, then softly began to sing, his gentle voice playfully dancing with the words he sung.

Let the phone ring, let's go back to sleep

Let the world spin outside out door, you're the only one that I wanna see

Tell your boss you're sick, hurry, get back in I'm getting cold

Get over here and warm my hands up, boy, it's you they love to hold

He grabbed my hands and pulled me out of the bathroom. Gently he pushed me against the wall and kissed me, his lips igniting a fire in my skin. He pulled away and began to sing again, his voice husky and low.

And stop thinking about what your sister said

Stop worrying about it, yes, the cat's already been fed

Come on darlin', let's go back to bed

Put the phone machine on hold

Leave the dishes in the sink

Do not answer the door

It's you that I adore-

I'm gonna give you some more

He paused to trail kisses down my jaw line and onto my neck. My hands entangled themselves in his messy hair. He started the sing again, the his warm breath caressing my neck. Slowly we made our way back to just outside the door of our bedroom.

We'll sit on the front porch, the sun can warm my feet

You can drink you coffee with sugar and cream

I'll drink my decaf herbal tea

Pretend we're perfect strangers and that we never met...

My how you remind me of a man I used to sleep with

that's a face I'd never forget

You can be Henry Miler and I'll be Anais Nin

Except this time it'll be even better,

We'll stay together in the end.

We somehow made our way into the bedroom, almost tripping over several things before falling onto the bed.

Come on darlin', let's go back to bed

Put the phone machine on hold

Leave the dishes in the sink

do not answer the door

It's you that I adore-

I'm gonna give you some more.

Let the phone ring,

Let's go back to sleep.

Remus grinned, his eyes sparkling, and he pulled the covers back over us. His hands ran down my chest, as my lips found his own. Somehow I didn't think we'd be getting much more sleep. But I can't say I have any complaints.

Fin

A/N: I'd just like to ask you to review my story please, and I would also like to thank everyone who has already reviewed my story: **sleeper6**, **Lain Iris**, **luna-tonks**, **Gold Silk**, **Whobajube**, **MooNi13**, **sss**, and **RandomSmirf13**. All of your reviews were lovely and they kept me motivated to write this fic. This idea has been wanting to get out for awhile now, and I'm glad I was finally able to write it! A big thank you to all of you!


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